


lowercase crowley and aziraphale

by blythechild



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Cake, Crowley yells at plants, Cute, Denial of Feelings, Drunkenness, End of the World, Fluff, Humor, Idiots in Love, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Inspired by Twitter, M/M, Oblivious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Possibly Unrequited Love, Tea, The Author Regrets Nothing, and a kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 20:48:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20297719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blythechild/pseuds/blythechild
Summary: The end of the world is nigh and Crowley has just figured out something about Aziraphale.As always, demons have dreadful timing.Inspired by the Twitter account @wrongomensThis is a work of fanfiction, and as such I do not claim ownership over the characters herein. It was created as a personal amusement. This story is suitable for all readers.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [the Wrong Omens Twitter account](https://twitter.com/wrongomens). I have mimicked their style of all-lowercase, pseudo-screenplay dialog, which MS Word fought me on every step of the way.

[walking through an empty park, crowley grabs aziraphale’s hand]

aziraphale: what are you doing?

crowley: tempting you

aziraphale:

aziraphale: why?

crowley: it’s my job. temptation is what i’m supposed to do, you know. not this running about subverting armageddon business…

aziraphale: oh. of course. [continues holding hands]

aziraphale: but why me, exactly?

crowley:

crowley: there’s no one else here

aziraphale [smiling]: ah, yes. i see your point. quite right.

[continues holding hands]

aziraphale [still smiling]: you are very tempting. i am so terribly tempted. my fall is assured.

crowley:

crowley: stop that.

aziraphale: stop what?

crowley: faking it. there isn’t a whiff of sin about you at the moment. you smell like… cookies, or something…

aziraphale: really? [smile gets wider] ooohhhh, that’s lovely…

[crowley rolls his eyes behind his sunglasses]

aziraphale: but surely that means i’m tempted. cookies are tempting, right?

crowley: listen, this isn’t helping. you can’t even lie convincingly. and WHY are you trying to lie anyway?

aziraphale: well, work ethic is important. i want you to feel good about your job performance… you’re an excellent demon, you know…

crowley: oh, PERFECT! not only am i NOT TEMPTING, but an angel is trying to REDEEM me! today is just bollocks from tits to arse…

crowley: maybe i should crash facebook again. that always makes me feel like i’ve accomplished something…

[aziraphale looks worried. continues walking]

aziraphale: i could… go get some tea or... while you do something dastardly…

crowley [glumly]: you’d know i was doing it…

[continues walking]

…

aziraphale: you’re still holding my hand

crowley: can’t hurt to keep trying. i might wear you down.

aziraphale [smiling]: that’s the spirit. persistence is a fine quality…

crowley: you’re simply awful today

.


	2. Chapter 2

aziraphale: this brioche is heavenly. are you sure you wouldn’t like some?

crowley [slouching across the café table in lazy horror]: angel, the world is ending in five days

aziraphale: all the more reason to indulge

[takes another bite. melted butter drips from the corner of his mouth. crowley stares fiercely.]

crowley: you don’t need to eat, you know. i don’t eat.

aziraphale: that’s why i do it. i don’t need to – i choose to. it’s not sustenance, it’s JOY.

[another bite. more butter. more staring.]

aziraphale: humans have made such wondrous vehicles for butter *sighs*…

[catches crowley staring. smiles.]

aziraphale: imagine that your whole purpose is to give pleasure to another creature. such a creation would be-

crowley: divine

aziraphale: what?

crowley: what?

aziraphale: you said “divine”

crowley: did not. nonsense. my tongue would turn around and throttle me. honestly, angel… go back to your buttery toast…

[aziraphale watches him carefully. while eating brioche.]

aziraphale: you’re sure you wouldn’t like some?

crowley: I WOULD NOT.

[he absolutely would]

.


	3. Chapter 3

aziraphale [answers phone]: hello?

crowley: I SHALL NEVER FORGIVE THIS BETRAYAL! DO YOU HEAR ME? PLAGUES AND POXES ON YOU IN PERPETUITY. YOU WILL **WISH** FOR HELL AND THE END OF DAYS, BUT I WILL DENY IT TO YOU. FOREVER SUFFER THE LASH OF YOUR OWN MEDIOCRITY!

[stares at call display]

aziraphale: crowley?

crowley: oh hey, angel… listen, i had a thought just now…

aziraphale: are you… are you angry with me?

crowley: what? no. where did you get that from?

aziraphale: the yelling

crowley: oh, right. i was gardening. i get some of my best ideas while gardening…

aziraphale: oh, thank goodness

crowley: goodness has nothing to do with it. ISN’T THAT RIGHT, YOU INSUFFERABLY AVERAGE EXCUSE FOR FLORA? I’VE EVISCERATED PEOPLE WHO TOOK MORE PRIDE IN WHAT FELL FROM THEM! DO YOU WANT THE BIN, HMMM? WHO HAS AN ADEQUATE ROOT SYSTEM AND CHLOROPHYLL AS WELL AS A SECRET DESIRE TO GET **BINNED???**

aziraphale [shivering]: crowley, has it ever occurred to you that plants don’t like being yelled at?

crowley: DON’T BE DAFT, ANGEL. EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE YELLED AT FROM TIME TO TIME.

aziraphale: w-why is that?

crowley: SO THEY KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEIR USELESS SELVES COULD BE IF THEY JUST SHOWED SOME DAMNED INTIATIVE! HOW CAN YOU BE A BLOODY ANGEL AND NOT KNOW THIS?

aziraphale: y-you… yell at things t-to make them… better?

crowley: **OF COURSE!** THIS TAKES SO MUCH ENERGY! WHY WOULD I BOTHER OTHERWISE? I COULD BE DRINKING INSTEAD…

aziraphale [still shivering]: d-do you want t-to make me b-better?

crowley: WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT? YOU’RE ALREADY PERFECT!

…

aziraphale: ummm, c-crowley? are you still there?

crowley:

crowley: i have to go. there’s something… burning… on the burner thingamajig… somewhere…

aziraphale: what about what you wanted to tell me?

crowley: what? i didn’t want to tell you anything. you called me. interrupted my gardening. keep your eye on the ball, angel. it’s only been 6000 years – far too soon for you to go dotty on me. i swear to the great beast that you’re more trouble than you’re worth…

crowley: NEXT TIME, CALL WITH A PLAN, ANGEL!

[hangs up. aziraphale shivers violently and sits down.]

aziraphale [breathily]: maybe the plants aren’t shaking because they are afraid after all…

.


	4. Chapter 4

crowley: we can go off together, you and i…

aziraphale: …where?

crowley: i dunno. just ‘off’. we don’t have to stay to the end.

aziraphale: but everything i love is here. the world hasn’t done anything wrong. it’s worth saving.

crowley: the world has done plenty of things wrong. and there’s only one thing worth saving.

[aziraphale snorts and then both he and crowley respond in unison]: you.

[awkward blinking]

crowley: just to be clear…

crowley: when you said “you”, you meant…

aziraphale: you want to save yourself and avoid a sticky end. you’re a demon – you don’t put others before yourself. right?

crowley: oh.

crowley: sure.

aziraphale: what did YOU mean when you said “you”?

crowley: the same thing. but because of your annoying goodness. seems like angels ought to be exempt from judgment. that’s all.

aziraphale: i see.

aziraphale [smiling]: for a moment there i thought it was because you liked me.

crowley [frowning]: i’m a demon. i’m not GOOD, and you can’t make me good, angel.

aziraphale: and you can’t make me bad. so, leaving isn’t an option then, is it? we’d be insufferable together.

crowley [gloomily]: insufferable. yeah.

aziraphale: we’ll have to figure something else out.

crowley:

aziraphale [kindly]: you could still go, crowley. i wouldn’t hold it against you.

crowley: no. i think i’ll stay.

[crowley stomps off]

crowley: eternity would be boring without you… 

.


	5. Chapter 5

[crowley pulls up to aziraphale’s bookshop, which is in flames and drawing a crowd of onlookers]

crowley: [string of historically broad and creative invective]

concerned onlooker: hey mate, you okay?

[crowley glares. turns him into a small toad, sets the toad on fire. then turns the rest of the crowd into burning toads. walks through path of flaming toads to the ruined doors of the bookshop and yells impressively.]

crowley: fuck.

[turns the crowd back into people. concerned onlooker appears existentially confused.]

crowley: sorry. my rare first-edition lived there. he was… irreplaceable.

[onlooker coughs up some smoke then passes out]

.


	6. Chapter 6

aziraphale [depressed, slightly drunk]: i’ve lost my shop. been cast out of heaven. found out my faith was misplaced. and the end of the world is imminent.

crowley: 

aziraphale: all of my waistcoats are gone. and i lost that box of recipes i’d been saving from the 1700s…

[crowley takes a huge gulp of wine. edges closer.]

aziraphale: not that it matters now. i’ll never get to use them when humanity dies and takes all of their sugar and butter with them.

crowley: angel?

aziraphale [buries face in hands. whimpers.]: despair is TERRIBLE. how do people cope with this?

[crowley edges closer. lets out a sigh. awkwardly grips aziraphale in the worst hug ever.]

aziraphale:

aziraphale: crowley… are you… hugging me?

crowley [gruffly]: yes. i’m told this is how people deal with unpleasantness.

crowley: am I doing it right?

[he isn’t]

[aziraphale alters his molecular structure so he becomes SOFTER. melts into crowley’s uncomfortable grip.]

aziraphale: yes. you’re doing it perfectly. thank you.

.


	7. Chapter 7

[while facing down lucifer]

crowley: listen, angel, if we survive the next 10 minutes, i’d… i’d like to… take you somewhere and watch you eat cake or dance badly or sing while tapping a small drum… or whatever annoying thing you’d like to do.

aziraphale:

[adam watches them]

adam: are you boyfriends or something?

aziraphale: yes

crowley: what?

adam: knew it. kissing boys is gross, but so is kissing girls.

crowley [glares at adam]: oi, little horn, stay in your lane [gazes at aziraphale] really?

aziraphale: ummm, yes to tea and cakes. not sure if that makes us boyfriends. though we are certainly friends, and both boys at the moment…

lucifer [sighing]: do you two need a moment?

aziraphale: yes, that would be wond-… erm, right.

[raises flaming sword]

aziraphale: TO THE WORLD!

crowley: TO TEA AND CAKES!

adam: TO SILLY KISSING! [makes kissy noises]

crowley: this is the most cocked-up, inglorious end to a 6000-year build-up ever.

.


	8. Chapter 8

[at the ritz dining room]

aziraphale [smiling beatifically and eating cake]: this is nice

crowley [smiling demonically and drinking wine]: if you say so. i don’t do ‘nice’, angel.

aziraphale: i like you a great deal, snake.

crowley [slouching across the table]: have I finally tempted you, aziraphale?

aziraphale [leaning closer]: i will never be bad.

crowley: i will never be good.

aziraphale: insufferable together then?

crowley [takes off glasses, flashes a fangy grin]: agreed.

aziraphale: here, have some cake…

[crowley eats offered forkful of cake. gets icing on his mouth. raises eyebrows.]

crowley: that’s actually…

aziraphale: nice?

crowley: sinful.

aziraphale: it’s wonderful that something can be two, diametrically opposed things at once, isn’t it?

[aziraphale kisses the icing from crowley’s mouth]

.


End file.
